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Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:10 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | rascal flatts. |
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It still feels so surreal. Everything still feels so surreal. Starting with marching practice, then prom, then graduation and the all night party. Am I the only one who feels like we're just on Spring Break or something? And that in a matter of days we're going back to school? To the jampacked halls, the hall nazis, the fries at lunch, and the student activities office. Even after all the hoorah about graduation and prom and grad party invites...i still feel like a senior instead of what i should be now- a wide eye freshman.
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| Time: | 6:16 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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I feel now, more than ever, that life as i know it will end or stop at the end of august. i realize that life is going to merely continue and 4 years from now this moment, this moment of uncertainty mixed with excitement and happiness will only be one amongst the many slightly important moments in my life. but right now...this significance is so much more felt. duh statement i know but there's something to be said about rites of passages. and even before i know whether or not i'll like whats to come, im still happy. is that weird?
life lately has been just...busy yet not so busy. i find myself running from one thing to another yet somehow always having time for the things i want to do and the people i want to spend time with. i know somewhere in the near future i'll exclaim, "oh! i wish i had more time!". but really, in the grand scheme of things, im quite alright. with a lot of things that i haven't always felt this way about. im sorry, this entry is just me babbling about incoherent things. do stop reading if you want. anyway...
with prom coming up so soon i guess a sudden wave of gratefully is whats overcoming me. i see so many girls going through what they consider hell (which im not patronizing btw) and to feel only thankfulness that im not going through the same thing. im not one of those girls who feel that they're not lucky to be in such a great relationship and to have everything "fall into place" senior year. i am damn grateful that things worked out the way it did. and i know if situations were switched and if i were currently frantically searching for a date, i know i'd look at girls with boyfriends with annoyance. i guess im just trying to say thank you to life. God. karma. whatever. for dealing me this set of cards and having me actually be quite okay with them.
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| Time: | 6:28 pm. |
| Mood: | content. | | Music: | anna nalick. |
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MASC/MAHS states was exactly what i needed. a weekend away from home and time to relax and sing crazy council songs. our presentation went very well and im glad i went through with this. i remember getting really overwhelmed with this presentation bc of just...so many things. but no longer. :) because its over with. the best part of the weekend? the crazy dance. it was just the perfect way to end off a jammed packed weekend full of center meetings, presentations, education sessions, and mixers. i think i've pretty much felt up every council kid from the state of MI. and not by choice. but anyway, now back to school. back into the swing of things. although i have quite a bit of hw left to do, i think im gonna wait. since i haven't really been there in class (due to dr. appnts and council stuff), i'll just put absent on all those assignments. all my teachers are pushovers anyway. :D
anyway, im sure ashlee and jenny will have much better masc state lj entries...so go read theirs :)
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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| Time: | 6:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | j.mayer. |
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On the topic of grad parties. I've never really wanted one to begin with. And now that everyone's setting their dates and whatnot, I think I've decided as well: I'm not going to have a grad party. Or at least not one in June or July. I'm planning on having some sort of get-together with everyone mid-august before everyone leaves for college. I want this to be low-key and simple. Is that weird of me? But think of it this way: it's my chance to say goodbye. Or rather...a see you later.
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Saturday, March 11th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:18 pm. |
| Mood: | content. | | Music: | josh groban. |
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I am so glad these past two weeks are over. Life has been way too hectic and now that I finally have a moment or two of "breathing time", I can settle down, catch up on hw, refocus, and do whatever it is that I still need to do. Prom Fashion Show 2006 was beyond amazing. I absolutely LOVED my dress. :D Although I had my inhibitions before the whole application process/show, I'm glad I did decide to go through with it because really, senior year is all about new experiences. :)
I purposely scheduled work off today because I knew I would need today to unwind. Yay for being intuitive and a future-thinker. That probably made no sense but watever. I know what I'm talking about. :) Jumping topics...
Spring break '06 is finally all planned out and ready to go. I am SO EXCITED. And now that the parentals have finally said okay, I need to start saving money and look for a new bathing suit. And yes, I AM going to Chicago but we're still gonna lay on the beach and freeze our asses off. Because we're crazy and beach-obsessed like that.
I think I'm gonna go to B&N today after lunch to get some hw done. Care to join? Call the cell :)
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Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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Break went by way to fast. I didn't get much accomplished (didn't catch up on C&P or The Awakening...) besides some random scholarships that my mother forced me to do. oh and i filled out my fafsa (which now that i think about it, really is quite an accomplishment). The only good thing about sundays is Grey's Anatomy. I forgot what this week's episode is suppose to be about but im sure it'll be mindblowingly awesome. again. :)
short entry but eh. gotta go shower, eat, and get ready for work. Come visit me! :) you know u wanna come get some biographies for your ap english authors project!!!
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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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This is probably the longest that i've ever gone without an update. i feel surprisingly indifferent. and slightly like a hypocrite. but watever.
a couple random updates:
- bought a prom dress :D its red, strapless, and makes me feel pretty.
- bought an ipod nano.
both purchases make me ridiculously happy. if anyone has any great CDs...let me know so i can snag 'em for a night and get them onto my ipod. what are friends for, eh? ;) March is looking VERY busy right now. I'm sure half you kids are doing the same things i am but ahh! i can almost feel the migranes coming on. i have to make an egg casserole for nutrition day tmrw plus with all the hw that i've been putting off, i should get going. this was a pathetic attempt at an update of sorts but oh well. better than nothing right?
pure curiosity on my part--> http://kevan.org/johari?name=laughincutie88
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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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| Time: | 6:45 pm. |
| Mood: |  blank. |
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I'm glad things are winding down now. I keep saying "I'm so ready to get out of here" but now i truly mean it. chs has been beyond amazing. HS in general was just so much better than the way that all the teenage movies make it out to be and for that, im extremely grateful. but im ready to do bigger and better things. see eye-opening things and experience radical and new experiences. i dont think im the only one either.
planning prom with brittney and ashlee forces me to think about graduation and all the important dates in may/june. im wildly excited i cant even put it into words.
i dont know what else to say... i miss my old lj days. the ones that were filled with random and consecutive entries summarizing typical days at school. now, its just become so redundant and pointless. i mean, we're all experiencing so much of the same thing that if one of us writes about it, others feel like they've been robbed of their chance to elaborate on the same thing. i think aaron put it best last night when he said high school is just filled with existentialist ideas. we try to go about and find a purpose to our lives when in the end, we have no control of our fate. the wheels are already in motion and we just feel even more meaningless when we try to change the things already set in stone.
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Monday, January 16th, 2006
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| Time: | 4:43 pm. |
| Mood: | nostalgic. | | Music: | jack johnson. |
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one more semester and we're done. how mindblowing is that?! maybe its just hard for me to grasp that number because for me, the end always existed but was never palpable. i've never been a great abstract thinker and so may also contribute to my inability to understand "one semester". even now, as i type the words "the end", i can almost hear everyone say "its not the end! its just another beginning!" or something to that effect. but really now. how many of us seriously believe that? because yeah sure, it'll definitely be a new beginning, but not the end? let's not be so naive ok?
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Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
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| Time: | 7:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  moody. |
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Kevin came home today and declared, "I pee-ed in my pants today at school!" i then started to choke on the cheez-it that i was eating and my mother almost had to perform the heimlich (sp?) on me. turns out that they were taking a science test and his teacher told them no one can go to the bathroom during the test. and since he couldnt hold it...well, im sure u can fill in the blanks. but what really amused me was when after declaring this to me, he goes, "but i got 100% on my test! *huge smile*" lol. what a dork. he's gonna be such a nerd in HS.
anyway, first day of finals was definitely not that bad. medical assisting could've been a lot worst but im glad i feel relatively ok about MA since my other finals like apcalc and physics are gonna be simply atrocious. gather all that good feeling about passing before a wave of failure overcomes me.
it seems as if i can’t say anything in my house anymore. every little thing is turned into a topic for argument and all i seem to do with my parents nowadays is argue argue and argue some more. i snapped at my mom today and said something like, "well in 7 more months you won't have to deal with me and my problems!" thats the mantra that i've been repeating to myself over and over...7 more months, 7 more months...as terrible as that may be, it seriously brings me nothing but joy. well at least when it concerns leaving my parents.
*sigh* thats all. yet another depressing entry. but hey, new Grey's Anatomy this sunday!! :D
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Thursday, January 5th, 2006
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| Time: | 5:46 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. |
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sometimes i wonder if my parents might actually LIKE this crazy and psychotic relationship of ours. because everytime it seems like we MIGHT be on the path to a sane conversation, they do something that makes me think, "ok. we can yell at each other some more. obviously u like that more than peace." why is that? is our relationship so beyond repair that its just that? beyond repair? u'd think that i would be sad or even slightly disconcerted about that. but in all honesty, im just kinda indifferent. i've gotten used to this. a "better" relationship would scare me. that says something about my thoughts on this whole topic doesnt it. that im just beyond caring. yup. thats it. i'm beyond caring.
in another news, i think i've lost the desire to update lj every day or even every couple of days. i like reading other ppl's lj entries but i just dont seem to be feeling very up to updating my own. too many other things seem to be taking priority over this. like work and school. before i had a job, i wanted a job. but now that i do, the money really isnt all that great nor do i really like working anymore. sure it has its perks- credit card/money when needed, independence in a way, the feeling of supporting myself (sorta)...but all in all, work. just. sucks.
ahh am i not capable of upbeat and happy entries anymore?!
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Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
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| Time: | 5:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  crushed. |
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I am beyond exhaustion. i hate 8 hour work shifts. but since i need the money....*sigh* on a brighter note, the official gift exchange with everyone is tonight. should be fun. i just...idk, i'm not really in the mood. for anything. well that's not true...im in the mood for a lot of things, just not what i end up doing and throwing so much time into. so many things are bogging me down. i wish i had more time...ugh i dont feel like elaborating anymore (or at all) bc this isn't helping.
what i want for christmas...
- more time to do the things that i want to do
- an ipod
- time away from home
- warmth
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Monday, December 19th, 2005
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| Time: | 10:22 pm. |
| Mood: | blank. |
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i am working an ungodly amount of hours in the next 2 weeks.
my next paycheck will be ginormous and i will buy myself an ipod.
consider it my christmas present to myself?
in other news, break is coming up very soon (woohoo for sleeping in).
tomorrow is Bombardment of Christmas Cards Day.
i know i'll be joining in on the festivities. :)
i like writing in sporadic sentences.
they're fun.
guess what? sept. 2nd is uminnesota's freshmen move-in day.
i'm excited beyond words.
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Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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| Time: | 6:01 pm. |
| Mood: | confused. |
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i have time. to do stuff. i have a very minimal amount of hw. i have time. i should be doing stuff that i haven't had time to do. i think i've forgotten how to relax.
fantastic.
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Monday, December 12th, 2005
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this week cannot be more hectic. what i really want at the moment is for break to start...right now. but who am i kidding? there's still 9 more days until i can finally relax and do nothing. that sounds almost too good to be true: do nothing. when was the last time i did that? hmm. at least research papers are over and done with. that's seriously a huge load off my shoulders. now theres only nhs inductions, french club, and work to suffer through until the weekend. excellent.
i submitted my honors college application for minnesota today. it felt so...final. this was seriously the last thing i needed to do concerning apps. i've started my housing stuff and once i finish all my scholarship crap i'll really be done. weird. anyway, i've decided that i think about the future too much. (ok its late and im in the mood for a deep, or at last deepER entry than my previous few so bear with me here). all too often do i catch myself thinking about what's going happen in x number of months. i should really stop that. its not like im benefiting from it. nothing good is coming out of my fretting about the future. i mean, its bound to happen so why waste time and energy worrying about something that's outta my hands? maybe its because i tend to think that it ISN'T out of my hands. i feel like i CAN do something about a LOT of things and that's what worries me- that i might not be doing what i should/can be doing and in turn fixing or changing what i dont want to happen. what how do i know whats fixable? its so hard to separate things in life into categories of "ok just let this go and let life take care of it" and "get on this. u should be changing this because u can!" all in all, i guess it just comes down to what i WANT to change. am i happy with what i have and WILL i be okay with it somewhere down the road? what are the consequences? are they significant enough to change what i do? ahh. so many questions. i feel so...oxymoron-ish. or maybe just moron-ish. *sigh* who knows anymore...
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Friday, December 9th, 2005
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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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i skipped for the first time in my entire life today. and some might not even call it skipping. although i did call myself in once i got home, i called my mom right after to let her know. she was ok with it. lol but this is about as skip-ish and rebel-like i can get. well thats a lie. i can be a bigger rebel than that. just not very often. ;)
its 1:44 in the afternooon and im at home. normally i would be in apcalc ready to keel over and die due to the wrath of anselm. but lately she's been ok. her as in a person i mean. she can be very nice if she chooses to be. i love that when im absent, i can always depend on someone to call me and fill me in on what happened and what i missed. not just school work. because c'mon...i've pretty much stopped caring. but other things, like who said what and all those good parts. i got home around 9:30 and after making the necessary phone calls, went straight to bed. and contrary to what u might be thinking right now, i did go home because i was sick. not because i just didn't wanna go to class. after sleeping for 4 straight hours, im happy to say that i feel much better. i think this was just a combination of stress + sleep deprivation + coming down with some sort of cold? eh. who knows. all i know is that i no longer want to a) throw up, b) faint, and c) explode to a pounding headache.
u know what did it? my grandma's chicken soup.
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Monday, December 5th, 2005
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i was extremely productive today. i sat my ass down at the library for 4 hours and did a huge medical assisting packet and wrote another 1/3 of my research paper. i love this accomplished feeling. its probably due to the fact that i dont experience it very often that when i do, i really really treasure it. im a sad sad ap kid. i know.
the whole college apps thing is starting all over for me. ahh the horror of honors college. but i love doing stuff i this. i really do. it makes me feel thismuch closer to the whole yes! im leaving thing. because in about 8 months, i will be in minnesota with my new minnesota friends who all possess warmer temperaments than their oh so lovely state has to offer. hopefully.
i haven't been doing much of the "this is what happened today at school. this is what really pissed me off. this is what i plan on doing this weekend" sort of thing. as time goes on and i update less and less, im finding it harder and harder to write entries like that. oh well. not like it really matters.
i started christmas shopping today. i got some kickass awesome gifts. :)
you should be excited too.
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 4:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  thankful. |
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sometimes i tend to forget how good i have it. i get wrapped up in small things that dont go my way and i automatically switch into the oh so angst-y "i hate my life it sucks" mood. when really. i have it pretty good. i dont think i've ever been this happy or content with life. like i've always been...okay. but not really on the positive side. always sorta in the neutral middle gray area. so what if a coupla grades are going down the drain? so what if a few relationships are leaning precariously on the edge of crash and burn?
being content. satisfied. and most of all, just....good is all i've ever wanted. because there are so many more plusses than minuses. right now, i just need to keep on focusing on the good things and stop worrying about the small things that really, in the grand scheme of things, are of very little importance. so i guess what im trying to say is, life is good. im good. you're probably pretty damn good too. and if u dont think u are, stop picking out and focusing on the slightly bad things and count your blessings. because no matter what, u have them. quite a few of them.
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Thursday, November 24th, 2005
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laughincutie88's journal